To Forgive or Not Forgive ~~ That is the Question...

In conversing with folks online, a most frequent topic is that of living our Christian lives, learning what Christ would have us do, and sharing our concerns and questions as we seek God's will. The following question was posed to me today. I researched my Bible and presented a Biblical response as best I could....

I have a question for you. If someone is really doing wrong (sinning), it affects you and those close to you, the person does not ask you for forgiveness and you do not forgive them of your own accord, would you be out of fellowship with God? Can you maintain your walk with the Lord while not forgiving, even if you don't have feelings of a grudge, just that "done with them" feeling?

That's a very important question as this sort of thing comes up frequently throughout life. A person continually sins and their sinning affects us. Do we have to forgive or can we just slough it off and try to pretend that it doesn't bother us ~~ even to the point of we don't care one way or the other?

What is forgiveness? It is simply choosing not to hold their sin against them. They don't necessarily have to change a thing, but we forgive ~~ choose not to hold that sin against them.

The opposite of that would be that of giving them over to Satan and having that "I'm done with you" feeling ~~ not caring one little whit about their sin and it's spiritual consequences in their life.

Just think, it might be our forgiveness ~~ telling them that their sin is hurting us but that we forgive them and are praying for them ~~ their seeing that magnitude of Christlikeness displayed in our lives ~~ that would convict them and bring them to the point of asking God's forgiveness and to stop their sinning.

If that person is a professing Christian and is continually sinning, there is the Christian responsibility of taking 2 or 3 witnesses to that person for the sole purpose of pointing out their sin so that they can repent and make things right ~~ with God and with others.

If the person is an unbeliever, then certainly we have the responsibility of going to them and trying to lead them to Christ. They can't quit their sinning w/o His power in their lives anyway.

I looked through my Bible online and couldn't come up with any verse that says we can pick and choose whom to forgive and whom not to forgive. If fact, Mark 11:26 points out that if we do not forgive others that God won't forgive us. That's pretty straightforward. It appears to me that we don't have a choice when it comes down to deciding if we have the choice of forgiving or not forgiving others. Read Matt 6:14-15 as printed below. Neither of those verses are opened ended ~~ they are not questions but are statements of fact.

MY CONFESSION: I have tried the "done with them" approach and find that it builds up several layers of sin in my own heart:

#1) I have feelings of superiority in thinking that I know they are sinning and I am too big to let it bother me. That is false humility and pride for surely their sin does affect me.
#2) It is a lie to think that I can just totally ignore it and that their continuing sin does not affect me spiritually.
#3) It fosters a root of bitterness in my heart that they are continuing to sin and affect me personally.
#4 It produces a hard heart in me for it is totally unChristian to "just be done" with anyone who is sinning. (And goodness knows that I still struggle with sin myself!)

Here are some verses I found that helped me come to the conclusion that we must forgive others.

Mt 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
Mt 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Mt 18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Mt 18:35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
Mr 11:26 But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.
Lu 6:37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.
20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
23 Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.
24 And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.
25 But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.
26 The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
27 Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.
28 But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.
29 And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
30 And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.
31 So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.
32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:
33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?
34 And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.
35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

The bottom line: The question was "would you be out of fellowship with God for not forgiving?" I believe the verses indicate that we have no choice but to forgive. So yes~~ to be unforgiving would be disobedience (sin) on our part, and that disobedience (sin) would cause us to be out of fellowship with God.

I hope this helped you. And believe me, the Bible Study I did on this was good for my own heart for I struggle with those same questions at times. I know I went in circles and repeated myself but trust you can glean something from this.

Love you,
Susan

AFTER THE FACT: I went out online to see what others may have posted regarding this question and came across an article that was beneficial to me. You can check it out at http://aboundingjoy.com/blog/?cat=7